Friday, February 10, 2006

Ten Chuck Norris Facts


I'm not sure if these are Paul Lamey originals, but my guess is that they are. I pulled these from his site because they are worth reading. I laughed so hard that milk came out of my nose. And I wasn't even drinking milk. Good times.


Top Ten +/- Chuck Norris Facts

1. Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. Ever.

2. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

3. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

4. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

5. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can’t see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death.

6. Chuck Norris has counted to infinity. Twice.

7. Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies
the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

8.It can't be mentioned because it might kill you and then you wouldn't be able to finish this list.

9. Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate an Indian.

10. In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.

11. There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.

Additional Chuck Norris Facts

* Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

* Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing.

* The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.

* Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.

* Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Chuck Norris has 72… and they’re all poisonous.

* If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, “Two seconds ’til.” After you ask, “Two seconds ’til what?” he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

*When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.

*Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.

*There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, Chuck Norris lives in Oklahoma.

*When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.

1 comment:

francis A. Schaeffer blew my mind said...

i laughed uncontrollably at this post...i'm pretty sure this one is the defining moment of your entire existence

no seriously...